keenmaster486 wrote:

Reasons to forget about it:
1. I have no idea, and no way of finding out short of asking her, what her current relationship status is. Every interaction I've had with her has turned up absolutely no evidence for or against the hypothesis that she has a boyfriend. So I want to be pretty cautious here, but the only way to find out is to ask her! (this has happened to me before; I asked a girl to coffee and she only told me later that she was seeing someone 😵 she could have told me right off the bat and saved some time; it just makes things awkward and embarrassing, especially for me).

So? If she's not married yet, then everything's fair game. After all, everything is fair in love, war, and baseball.

keenmaster486 wrote:

2. Even though I see her all the time, I suspect her primary circle of friends lies in the Christian organization she's involved in. I'm involved in a different but very similar organization which meets at the same times. This could present problems, especially as I'm willing to bet there are guys interested in her there. The last thing I want is to ask her out while some other guy does the same, thereby presenting an awkward situation she has to untangle herself from.

Excuse me? If she's yours, then she's yours, no matter how many other guys chasing her. Competition is always part of the game, so why are you afraid of it? Go out there, compete with those other guys, and win her.

keenmaster486 wrote:

3. If she's inclined to reject me, there are two options: A. She does reject me, and things get kind of awkward every subsequent time I see her (or worse, she's offended and treats me coldly 😵), or B. She doesn't want things to get awkward, so she accepts and suffers through it. Neither is acceptable.
4. She's not, as far as I can tell, actively interested in me. So I'm worried me asking her to coffee could come as an unwelcome surprise. See #5 above. But I might be wrong, maybe she does like me. I guess I'm just terrible at reading people.

Just like competition, rejection is also part of the game. Let me put it this way, if you never tried, how would you ever know whether she would reject you or not?

keenmaster486 wrote:

So, older, wiser, and more mature people here, what would you do? Right now my head says "give up and forget about it, you don't have a snowball's chance in hell" but my heart says "just go for it, you have at least a 25% chance of success, that's good enough!".

The whole thing makes me kind of sick to my stomach, and it's not even that big of a deal 😒

You know what, go out there, get her, and damn the consequences. Otherwise you may regret it your entire life. So go ahead, ask her to coffee, win her heart, and share us your happy story. Even if it ended up badly, it's still much better than not trying at all. Better to lose a fight and suffer from bruises than never try at all.

You are analysing too much. The longer you wait the harder it will get for you to actually make a move. So don't wait and don't worry what will happen. Make small chat and than invite her for a drink. Whatever happens it's a success. Outcome might be good or not - at least you know where you stand .

One question: when you say you work with this girl, do you mean you are employed as a w-2 employee by the same employer? Or do you work with her as part of the same team for a college class or something?

If it is number 1, tread carefully. Ask out her out once but if she says no, it is no. Move on, let that be the end of it, you don't need to be accused of sexual harrassment.

If you don't work with her, what are you waiting for already? Tomorrow isn't promised us. Of all my regrets in life (and trust me, there are many), I regret missing out on relationships with all the women that I didn't ask out because I was too chicken, or they were already dating someone, or whatever reason.

As my friend has often told me, "If they are into you they are into you. Don't decide for them that they aren't into you".

kixs wrote:

You are analysing too much. The longer you wait the harder it will get for you to actually make a move. So don't wait and don't worry what will happen. Make small chat and than invite her for a drink. Whatever happens it's a success. Outcome might be good or not - at least you know where you stand .

Well said. Don't think, act. If she says yes, you don't have to stress about it anymore. If she says no, you don't have to stress about it anymore. It's a win-win situation.

Just ask her out. Do not over complicate. GL & HF!

Alternatively: Trump here! 😀

It's what all the other people said actually. Just ask her out, and there will be no loss.

Either you will find yourself a girlfriend (and maybe your future life long partner, who knows?) or you will get a "no" which will make you no worse that what you are already.

If you choose to not ask, then you will never know if she is the one or not. And this is the real and great loss.

You like her and want to get to know her better. It could lead to friendship or even romance, but there's no way to find out unless she knows you're interested.

Just a few thoughts here, no I'm not the author of these:

"He who waits, waits forever"

"Courage is not something you have in the absence of fear, but in spite of it"

In short, GO FOR IT!!!

Someone somewhere wisely said you always regret the things you didn't do more then the things you did, and its true!
It's hard. and I'll be the 1st to admit I didn't have the courage either, but just do it. It's casual coffee after work, not a full on date yet.
If she turns you down you know where you stand and your free to move on
If she says yes, nothing to say she only sees you as a friend, but at least your 1 step closer.

Whats the worst that can happen?

Seriously ask her to coffee, tell her you want to get to know her.

candle_86 wrote:

Whats the worst that can happen?

Seriously ask her to coffee, tell her you want to get to know her.

She could turn out to be some bipolar sickobitch and rob you at gun point. Or be the sneaky type that robs you of your paycheck every week...

You've got your priorities right, the next step is to develop a friendship and see if any sparks come from that. That will involve asking her out. Just ask her if she wants to grab some coffee. Ask about what sorts of activities they have at her church, and share yours. It's a foundation you both share and a good one to establish a relationship on.

This is guaranteed to work.

Put together an authentic 90's DOS gaming rig with a nice beige box, OPL2(+) ISA card, 486/MMX, Voodoo graphics, USB PCI card, and a 5.25 floppy drive. The 5.25 drive is critical. Do NOT skip this step. Yes, include a 3.5 as well. Include a period-accurate 5-Pin DIN keyboard, but a new USB mouse.

Tie a bow on it, lug it into a common setting, hoist it atop her desk and wait for her to speak, and be sure to LISTEN. It's not all about you you you.

But regardless of what she says, next step is, tell her you think she's cute and ask her if like to go out some time.

Tell us when the wedding is.

In general, just ask as soon as possible and be cool if it's not going to happen.

Wow, I'm getting a pretty consistent message here.

@snorg et al, Yes, it's a college class.

@beastlike: I can clearly imagine her reaction to that:
Her: "What is this?"
Me: "It's a retro DOS gaming machine! Look how cool it is! It even has a 5.25" floppy drive!!"
Her: *looks at me with "wut" glare*
It does not end well 🤣

Well, I see her this afternoon. We'll see if I can work up the nerve to ask her. Honestly, though, at this point I don't think my chances are very good - but, like everyone said, I may as well try.

Edit: Oh great, I missed my 586th post somewhere down the line 🤣 Meant to write something for that. Oh well.

keenmaster486 wrote:

Well, I see her this afternoon. We'll see if I can work up the nerve to ask her. Honestly, though, at this point I don't think my chances are very good - but, like everyone said, I may as well try.

What we're talking about here is a pretty small step. I think there's a pretty good chance the two of you will be able to hang out, either with or without others in tow. What will happen after depends on how you get along and there's only one way for both of you to know that.

My advise is not really any diffrent then anyone else's. But basically if you want to ask her to coffee and she is not married, then there is no reason not to ask her to coffee. If she says yes great, if not that's fine too, you have to learn to be ok with rejection just as much.

As far as all your other details, to me those are bigger questions that come into play when you go from dating causally to being in an exclusive relationship, or if you think you might want to marry her.

keenmaster486 wrote:

@beastlike: I can clearly imagine her reaction to that: Her: "What is this?" Me: "It's a retro DOS gaming machine! Look how cool […]
Show full quote

@beastlike: I can clearly imagine her reaction to that:
Her: "What is this?"
Me: "It's a retro DOS gaming machine! Look how cool it is! It even has a 5.25" floppy drive!!"
Her: *looks at me with "wut" glare*
It does not end well 🤣

Well, many, many years ago, I had similar experience.
Her: "What is this?"
Me: *raises an eyebrow* "It's a retro DOS gaming machine. It has Pentium III processor, among other things. The most prized component is, of course, the Voodoo5 5500 AGP I won recently on ebay."
Her: *looks at me with "wut" glare*
Her: *smiles* "I don't understand any of this. You're the most unique guy I've ever met."
Me: *shrugs* "It keeps me occupied, lady. After all, a lonely guy like me..."
Her: *stares with disbelief* "You? Lonely?"
Me: *shows her my most innocent face* "Why, yes. In fact, you're the very first woman ever got this close."
Her: *laughs* "Liar!"

Then we "got busy", if you know what I mean.....

You see, my problem is, every time I try to tell a woman I'm an innocent, totally inexperienced virgin, they never believe me, for some reason I would probably never know.

Just to buck the trend:

😁

Nah but seriously, just brooch it casually after a positive exchange in a conversation.

"Say, I was thinking maybe you and I could go get a coffee together some time, what do you say?" is what I understand to work.

Take my advice with a grain of salt though, I'm divorced, so whatever I did would be bad to emulate.