First post, by Kerr Avon
I was clearing my hard disc out a few days ago, and I found the following, that I'd downloaded some time back. Re-reading it, I again thought it was hilarious:
[The rest of this post is a direct copy and paste of the text file]
Here is a compilation of actual students answers in an exam
Read em and weep!
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate
of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked, Am I my brother's son?
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we would not
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the Java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: Tee hee, Brutus.
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offence.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah.
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because
he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be
laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for
all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to
pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A horse divided
against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted
into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an
anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
