Jokes.... Share if you got any.

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Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby brostenen » 2019-5-28 @ 21:38

I will start with a couple.....


Two masons, were working hard at building a chimney. And at lunch time, they were sitting on top of the nearly completed chimney in order to eat. One of them looked at the construction plans, and said: "Ohhhh buggar... We were supposed to build a well".

Two lesser intelligent friends were out drinking in the local park, and had to loose some "water", so they picked the closest lightpole, and started to do their bussiness... Along came a police officer, and told them to stop what they were doing and to put away the thing. So the two friends did it, and started to walk home. Suddenly one of the two friends started to laugh and the other asked him why. Well.... He said. I really won, because I might have put "it" away, yet I did not stop. ;-)

A judge said to the man the police brought forward. "Did I not tell you last time, that I did not want to see you again". And the man said "Funny... That was exactly what I told the police officer".

A fisherman had been drinking a bit too much, because it was winther and it was cold. And after a while, he went ice fishing. He started to drill a hole in the ice, and suddenly there was a deep voice saying that there were no fish under the ice. The fisherman looked up, and did not see anyone, so he continued to drill the hole. The voice, now even higher, more angry and deeper yelled "Did I not tell you that there is no fish under the ice?" And the fisherman looked up, did not see anybody, and asked in a confused way "GOD??? Is that you?" And the voice replied: "NO!!!! I am the caretaker at the skating rink".
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman » 2019-5-28 @ 22:43

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?" She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!" Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

My neighbor got fired from the hospital. Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Dating is a lot like fishing. Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

Went to the sperm clinic earlier. The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "I'm good but not ready for competition yet".

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

Q: what’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?
A: it's where you put the cucumber.

Q: what’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: one’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Q: why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: he only comes once a year.

Q: what’s long and hard and full of semen?
A: a submarine.

Q: how do you get a nun pregnant?
A: dress her up like an altar boy.

Q: what does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
A: thanks for coming!

Q: wanna hear a joke about my dick?
A: nevermind. It’s too long.

Q: what did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: [choking noises]
Never thought this thread would be that long, but now, for something different.....
Say no to online installer.
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby badmojo » 2019-5-29 @ 04:44

Are we still doing hooker jokes in 2019?
If it's broke, then fix it!
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby keenmaster486 » 2019-5-29 @ 05:19

Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman wrote:——snip——

dafuq
I flermmed the plootash just like you asked.

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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby oeuvre » 2019-5-29 @ 17:03

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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby Vynix » 2019-5-29 @ 18:30

Here is one Unix joke that I've heard somewhere... It might be on the mildly confusing side so be wary:

Q: Is Unix user-friendly?
A: Unix is user-friendly, it is just specific about who its friends are.
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby keenmaster486 » 2019-5-29 @ 18:42

Q: Is Unix user-friendly?
A: Question handler error: permission denied
I flermmed the plootash just like you asked.

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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby luckybob » 2019-5-29 @ 19:48

There are more than 2 genders.

/thread
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby brostenen » 2019-5-29 @ 22:25

I have another.... A bit long...


Two friends that were out looting the local haselnut-tree farm, got themself a giant haul of nuts.
And what better way to split the loot in peace, than to climb up into the bell tower of the local church.
Now. They were sitting there and splitting the loot. One for you, one for me...

And so they kept on. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And so on.
Two nuts, kept slipping through the hands and got stuck a couple of steps down the stairwell.
One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.

Now. Down at the ground in front of the church. The clerk of the church was walking in his own thought's.
And then he heard from the top of the bell-tower: One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.
And he became pale white and got afraid. He began to rush up to the priest's office.
He nearly missed knocking on the door, just bursting into the room.

The priest said. What is your hurry? What is the rush? And why so pale?
The clerk was nearly out of breath, and so he used a couple of minutes to tell the priest what was going on.
Finally he said that the devil and god was collecting all the souls on earth that same day.

The priest did not believe him, and said... Arhhh.... Are you sure about that? God and the Devil?
And the clerk answered back that he had to see it for him self. He needed to see for him self.
And so. The clerk and the priest headed down the pathway to the church.

And sure enough... There it was. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.
And the priest became pale white and began to shake violently. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me, one for you, and one for me..... Wait....

Now!! We are only missing them two down there.
Don't eat stuff off a 15 year old never cleaned cpu cooler.
Those cakes make you sick....

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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby Ultrax » 2019-6-01 @ 20:21

There once was a boy who would go down to the park every Saturday. Every time he went, there was also a pair of bullies. Their favorite thing to do, was show the boy a dime and a nickel, and let him choose which one to take. The boy would take the nickel, leading the bullies to think that he was stupid, and taking the larger coin. So they kept doing it. One day, the boy's friend asked him, "why are you taking the nickel and not the dime?", to which he responded, "Well, they keep doing it, and so far I've made about 20 bucks".
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby brostenen » 2019-6-01 @ 21:40

Some more....

Why does the coyote only howl when it is night?
They can only see the cactus during the day.

What is does sex have in common with math?
You add the bed, subtract clothes, devide the legs from each other, and hope the result does not multiply.

All the kids in kindergarden avoided the dog shit. Just not Ella, she thought it was Nutella... ;-)

The nurse to the doctor:
Nurse: Why is there a thermometer behind your ear?
Doctor: Ahhh shit... My pen is in the buttom of Ms. Harper!

Waitor... There is a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, I think the spider on your bread will take care of that.

If a snail looses it's shell... Is it then naked or homeless?

What did the cannibal say, when he saw santa on the sled?
Ahhhh.... X-Mas food

Man to woman:
Man: My teddy bear have gone missing, may I borrow you tonight?
Woman: I so understand it, I would run away from you as well.
Don't eat stuff off a 15 year old never cleaned cpu cooler.
Those cakes make you sick....

My blog: http://to9xct.blogspot.dk

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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby JonathonWyble » 2019-6-07 @ 22:52

It looks like I'm a little late for the fun, but I guess I can give this a shot.

Anyway, here are a few classics. Some of these jokes I picked up from a couple people at school.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup on your work!

Why was the ninth grader so clean?
Because he was a freshman!

What is a science teacher's favorite tree?
A chemistry!

Why don't clowns go to comedy clubs?
Because they're already funny!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner!
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby oeuvre » 2019-6-08 @ 13:06

those are super cheesy, dad level jokes
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby JonathonWyble » 2019-6-08 @ 17:11

oeuvre wrote:those are super cheesy, dad level jokes

What's what supposed to mean? "Dad level jokes"?
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby Ultrax » 2019-6-08 @ 18:44

JonathonWyble wrote:
oeuvre wrote:those are super cheesy, dad level jokes

What's what supposed to mean? "Dad level jokes"?


Dad jokes:
"Dad, I'm tired"
"Hey tired, I'm dad!"
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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby brostenen » 2019-6-09 @ 20:47

These two dudes, are Danish comedians.... They do some really fun stuff.

http://wumo.com/wumo/2019/06/09
Don't eat stuff off a 15 year old never cleaned cpu cooler.
Those cakes make you sick....

My blog: http://to9xct.blogspot.dk

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Re: Jokes.... Share if you got any.

Postby Jo22 » 2019-6-13 @ 06:58

those are super cheesy, dad level jokes


..

How do you call a dolphin with underwear ?
- Slipper.

Met two parallels.

"I feel cold"
- "Then move to the corner, there's 90 degree."

Comes a marble around the corner and topples over.

"Did you take a bath ?"
- "Why ? Is one missing ?"

Met two blind: "Long no see!"

How do you call a female magician that lives in the desert ?
- A Sand Witch.

What do you find in a cannibal's shower ?
- Head & Shoulders.

"When the telering phoned, I staired down the running and was dooring against the thump."

Every machine is a fogging machine. Someone just has to operate it falsely.

How do you call two friendly gummi bears ?
- Haribros.

What is written on a wanderer's gravestone ?
- "He went too far."

"Mama, I'm 14 now. When do I finally get my bra ?"
- "NO! Guenther!
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