I'm hunting for a unicorn.

Actually, I'm looking for a new laptop, but the laptop of my dreams seems quite different from everything on the market...
* I want the laptop to be thick and heavy like those early laptops thirty years ago, ie. like a brick
* the laptop should consist mostly of the battery pack, ensuring insanely long battery life
* no mechanical parts, especially NO FAN
* I don't demand high performance, rather some compromise between performance and power usage, again: TDP low enough for passive cooling
* rather large SSD storage
* no built-in ODD, most of the time it's just a waste of space
* I want it to be a classic laptop, with a normal keyboard + touchpad, no tablets/convertibles/other touchscreen-based things

Is there any hope to find such an oddball?