These are my findings so far:

Without compatability mode: does not run at all

Compatability mode using Win95/98: screen turns black, I get the little mouse cursor, but nothing happens. Eventually crashes to desktop.

DOSBox: refuses to run in DOS mode.

Effect of lowering resolution, lowering # of colors shown, or disabling visual themes: none at all

Effect of lowering Direct X graphics.sound enhancement: none at all

I'm stumped, guys. Help?