An attempt to describe ones real life suffering in words will always be ineffective. Another cannot really know what its like to be in someone else's situation unless they are living it in their body and living their life. Words are limited approximations. Even a million words would just be an external approximation. The other issue is conveying in words the suffering that goes on in one's own mind, and as dr_st pointed out, this varies by the individual. Trying to convey in words can be likened to reading about a Caribbean vacation - if the words were sufficient to experience the trip, then there would be no need to actually go on the vacation. The words alone are generally insufficient.
Even two adult males of similar age, from a similar background, with 3 kids of identical personality, identical age, identical disabilities, the same wife, no childcare, no family help, no respite, no after school care, similar finances, etc may mentally handle the same situation entirely differently. The complexities of personality are vast. However, from my experience, I've yet to find someone else in my situation. The closest example was a guy from my old work, also an engineer, who had [only] two kids. He stayed home with the kids for about 6 months and then he couldn't take it anymore. He sold his investment condo and payed an outrageous amount for childcare, and that was while he was jobless. His wife also stayed home the first year (whereas my wife went back to work after 6 weeks). He'd rather be unemployed and loose money to childcare rather than care for his children at home all day. After more than a year of this, he started working contract jobs on and off, but according to his wife, he isn't even making enough to cover the childcare expenses; he is just trying to escape taking care of the children. I don't blame him, but they clearly have more money than we d. Perhaps there is something in male genetics which make caring for kids all day particularly difficult. I don't know. When I have construction projects to work on around the house, or if I get sick, my wife has to do the hard work. After about 3 days, she is clearly piss faced, exhausted, agitated, and going insane. Even to this day, when she gets home from work, she is super happy to see the kids for about 15 minutes, then she starts to get agitated as the kids drive her crazy. Everyday is like this, and from what I can tell, she has a strong mothering instinct. She [quietly] admitted once that work is a vacation compared to taking care of kids all day.
chinny22 wrote:But you know that warm feeling you get from having a pet, multiply that by 1000, With the bigger lows come bigger high's
My experience was very different. I felt that caring for my cat was many times more rewarding than caring for the children. I had a cat who I lived with for 18.3 years. I raised her from a kitten. The palliative care I gave the cat on her last week of life was probably the most rewarding in my life; it felt like I was giving back to her for all the mental support she gave me over the years. The palliative care was a lot of work. I had to wrap my whole office in 10 mil plastic because the cat lost control of her urine. She couldn't stand for several days following her seizure, and I had to hold her over the cat box to pee and poop. I had to hold her up and lift her tail in the cat box. While the cat was ill, I took her everywhere she wasn't allowed to go in the past. I could tell she was really happy to have all my help. I moved my bed to the office for that week and setup an air conditioner in the room. She started to get better, and was walking 80% again; I thought she was going to make a come back, then all of a sudden, she started to seizure uncontrollably for 12 hours. I had to jam various medications in her butt, which didn't help at all. In the end, my daughter helped me bury her in the backyard when she died. In my experience, and in my mind, I found caring for the cat a lot more rewarding than caring for the kids. Cats don't talk back, don't hold grudges, and you can feel their appreciation. They are simple and unselfish. I can see if you have only one child, how your view might be different, as was mine when I only had one child. Life became progressively worse with n+1 children. Girls are generally a lot easier to deal with while young (per-puberty) compared to boys. I felt bad for the cat as her quality of life reduced greatly once our 2nd kid was able to craw. He was always trying to pull the cat's tail and headbutt her. The last year of her life was pretty miserable as she hid under the desk downstairs away from the headbutter. She also didn't take well to the new house. She had been on prednisilone for 3 years for inflammatory bowel disease, and/or cancer, and renal failure. The 2nd kid still head butts - he head butts my oldest daughter in the head now and makes her scream in agony. He runs around the house on all 4's pretending to be a wild animal. He cannot seem to control himself. It is awful. He is in therapy, but he won't stop. That is the tip of the iceberg, so to speak; he's in therapy for multiple deficiencies, each one sufficient to drive any parent insane.
We have no relatives in town, or within 1000 km. Actually, I hardly have any relatives at all. The kids are so much work that my mother only comes once in 2 years and doesn't last more than 5 days. My ole mother also thinks that she is 'on holiday' when she comes here and doesn't lift a finger. She brings her 5th husband with her and expects to be catered to. She wouldn't even watch the 3 kids to let the wife and I go grocery shopping for her diner ingredients. It is liking having 6 children with her over and we have begun expanding our excuse database for reasons for her not to come. She brags about how energetic she is and full of life for her age, then when it comes to helping with the kids, she magically turns into an old lady.
@luckybob
Sounds like you are "unclebob" now! An uncle is sure easier than a father. What's the longest duration you've had to take care of the little bugger for on your own? I take it your cousin isn't looking for an apartment anymore? I suppose it could be worse. When I was growing up, my mother had a new live-in boyfriend every year. She's on her 5th husband now, just like her mother was. If she married all the live-in boyfriends, she'd probably be on her 12th husband. At one point in my youth, we had my mentally unstable cousin move in. It was hell. I cannot even begin to describe that torment. My cousin also had an illegitimate child at the time. And the father was in jail. Sometimes, it is better not knowing who the father is, like in your cousin's case. Last I heard, that guy is still in and out of jail.
Living wrote:my syster -30- got pregnant at the age of 17 and now she has 3 childrens...
I sometimes wish I had kids early on like that. I'd have my life back now. I had so much more energy in my teens and 20's. Not sure how I'd handle that mentally though. At least I'd be young enough to go back to school.
There is no perfection solution. All you can do is to do the best you can. If you try your best, there will be less regrets.
Plan your life wisely, you'll be dead before you know it.